The words echoed endlessly in the void, growing louder and louder instead of fading. Something that felt like grains of sand squeezed against Nil’s body, pressure increasing as though he were slipping deeper and deeper into a vast ocean. He couldn’t breathe. Each frantic exhale allowed the sand to press tighter against him. He reached out but his arm moved achingly slow, his muscles straining as his fought to climb his way out of the dark pit of sand. The thunder of his heartbeat in his ears was somehow even faster than his desperate gasps. His breathing stopped. He just wasn’t strong enough to force his chest to expand and drag in another breath. The pressure against his ribcage just grew stronger, relentless, and he knew he was slipping even deeper. Further. Faster. He grit his teeth, preparing for the pain of a cracking rib - it’s not so bad, I lived through it once - but all at once the pressure released and his feet hit solid ground.
He was surrounded by trees as far as the eye could see - which was only a few feet in front of him. The light of the moons was too weak to filter very far through the leaves, leaving an impenetrable blackness on all sides. Nil could feel his chest rising and falling with panicked breaths, still desperate for the air that now came easily, but no sound broke the silence. It was a heavy silence, as oppressive to his ears as the darkness was to his eyes. Even deprived of his senses, though, he still felt watched.
He was frozen in place for long moments, muscles tensed to fight or flee whatever might emerge from between the expanse of tree trunks. Demons. I was taken by demons. I’m so fucking stupid. Driving alone? At night? Crying my eyes out? I was practically asking for it. Tentatively, Nil reached a shaking hand toward the nearest tree. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but it was certainly not the dry, almost chalky feeling of the bark. Curious, he brought his hand closer to his face, squinting in the dim light and rubbing the rough particles between his fingers. They had sharp edges but crumbled easily under pressure. What…?
A light spilled over him suddenly, and he squinted, arm thrown over his eyes like he would to block the sun while walking in the desert. He blinked away the bright spots in his vision and for a brief moment, he thought he was finally seeing the moons. I’m home? Twin discs of soft light illuminated the ground around him. He could finally see more of the area, but with a sinking feeling in his stomach, he realized it truly was just hundreds of bone-dry, crumbling trees surrounding him.
His eyes flicked back to the glow of the moons, just in time for them to slowly melt into a crescent shape, then disappear all together. Once again he was plunged into darkness, but within moments the slivers of moon reappeared, growing into full circles again. A… blink?
As soon as the thought occurred to Nil, he instinctively staggered backward, away from whatever could have eyes so bright and huge that he had mistaken them for the moons. He was sure he swore very loudly, but still no sound reached his ears. Oh gods, oh shit…! His back hit the chalky bark of a tree, and he pressed hard against it, praying that the strange plant might swallow him up and get him away from those eyes that just keep looming closer, and closer, and closer.
Now he could see it, the hazy outline of a hulking figure, as tall as the towering treetops. It was just a slightly lighter shade of black than the surrounding darkness, but the edges of its body rippled and flowed, sometimes disappearing altogether before becoming sharp and defined again. A bear? A dog? Nil’s mind raced to make sense of the stocky shapes and shifting outline before abruptly screeching to a halt. While adrenaline had surged in his veins before, now a cold, numbing calm had seeped into his muscles, making them heavy and filling his mind with a pleasant static. This is it. It will finally be over. Somehow, that realization was comforting. He could finally let go, be done with it all, never have to deal with his unwanted, prophetic dreams or people that treated him like a naive child for believing them. I’m free.
With the serenity of accepting his fate, though, came a cold and sudden clarity - those eyes. He had seen them before.
Every few months, when Dhakira was blessed with two full moons, Nil would have the same dream: Night. Walking down the desert highway. Slap of the pavement loud in his ears. In the distance a creature kept pace with him, drawing ever nearer with each step he took. Before him was a great stag - in the desert? - and its eyes shone like two headlights, twin moons casting an ethereal light from the heavens to the pitiful world below. The creature regarded him with the same cold indifference. It spoke, but not with words Nil could recognize, though their meaning still resonated in his mind: We are alone. The despondence in its voice was painful, and he ached to help, but before he could say anything… he would always wake. But not this time.
“That stag,” Nil croaked, half expecting no voice to come out at all. He coughed, clearing his throat, but the cough itself made no sound. “Was it… was that you?”
The eyes blinked again, the forest growing noticeably dimmer for the long moment they are closed. When the creature spoke, it was in a voice as harsh as the grinding of rocks in a landslide and in a language Nil couldn’t place, but as with the stag, the meaning of the words were clear in his mind: No. That was… a messenger. It is difficult for us to communicate across the Threshold. Few believe the messages we send, and fewer seek us out.
In an instant, thousands of pinpricks of light lit up over the creature’s body like stars twinkling in the night. More eyes! Nil reeled back on instinct but had nowhere else to go with the chalky tree trunk behind him. With the extra light Nil could see more of the creature’s body: long, shaggy fur, gnarled claws at the end of six stocky legs, a lion-like face with a ruff of slender, delicate feathers instead of a mane. Dozens of twisted, chipped teeth protruded over its lips, and a viscous black ichor dripped from its mouth and ran over its jowls.
“Seek… seek you out?” Nil said, and his voice now shook with his trepidation. The numbness still weighed heavy in his limbs, but seeing the creature’s face properly had kickstarted his heart and it beat hard in his chest.
You came to us. To where we could reach you. You felt helpless. Lost. You wanted to be rid of your pain. You called us. There was no doubt now that this was a demon, that Nil had been dragged into their domain. He heard a sound like the creaking of branches in a heavy wind, and realized it was caused by the creature lifting one of its great paws and drawing it slowly forward. It was set down a few feet from where Nil pressed against a tree, paw pad up, sharp and mangled claws framing it but lying still and relaxed. Come closer. Your voice is distorted by this realm. I must see your face more clearly. Nil stared up at the two glowing orbs and the thousands of smaller ones dotting the demon’s body.
“You’re not serious.” Cycling between fear and calm was honestly exhausting at that point, and Nil couldn’t make sense of his mess of emotions quick enough to decide whether he was scared or truly at the point of fuck it.
If we wanted to harm you, would we not have done so already?
“Fuck it” it is, then.
Nil clambered up over the ridge of the creature’s paw, and touching down on it was like standing in a clearing lifted magically off the ground - thick tufts of fur like grasses, tall claws at his back like bare tree trunks. Over the edge he saw the paw leave the ground and rise up closer to the creature’s face, but he didn’t feel the pull of gravity in his stomach like he would expect going up in an elevator. No gravity in the demon domain? Then how was I standing on the ground? All questions of arcane physics left his mind when he was finally close enough to see that the thousands of tiny blinking eyes all belonged to different creatures, nestled into the larger demon’s fur. Some were lion-like with six legs like the largest, but others were more serpentine, or canine, and some seemed to be made purely of a bubbling mass of tar. How a pile of tar could have eyes Nil wasn’t quite sure, but it was probably rude to ask.
This is better. Now, to the matter between us. It took Nil a moment to tear his gaze away from the thousands of smaller demons, but he certainly didn’t want to anger the biggest one by letting it think he wasn’t paying attention. As I said, you are rare. You saw our message, you believed it, you sought us out, and you still desire to return to your world. All others that have come this far chose to leave that world behind. It had given them nothing but wounds. Their idea of freedom is very different from yours. A cold, heavy weight settled in Nil’s stomach. He suddenly knew what must have happened to the dozen or so vulnerable people he’d heard had disappeared over the course of his life. The demons had offered them a small mercy, and they had taken it.
“No, I don’t want to die, I just want to forget.”
We can take those memories that cause you pain. Your efforts to do such a task yourself were admirable, but ineffective. Nil didn’t think tossing out Koda’s old CDs carried quite that much weight, but he nodded anyway.
“Yes, take them, the horrible dreams I’ve had, the shitty things that have happened to me, the people…” Nil paused, the words catching in his throat. A couple flashes of memory flickered before his eyes like they had after entering the gas station - the bright smile that never quite reached Koda’s eyes, a door slammed so hard the frame had splintered, the glint of gold on the wristwatch Nil had received the next day - but with effort that felt like lifting a physical weight, Nil shoved them aside. “Set me free, please, truly I will do anything.”
The largest demon blinked again, and with a jolt Nil realized that the other pairs of eyes blinked in synch, casting the forest into darkness. Worried suddenly that they might rescind their offer, Nil added, “I heard how the Populi used to make pacts, that they’d have a demon carry out a task for them in exchange for their freedom. Please, let me do a task for you!” The eyes all fluttered open again, and Nil felt a rush of curiosity, though he knew it was not his own.
Demon… that is what you call us? That is your word?
Nil bit the inside of his cheek, positive that he had committed some grave faux pas. Idiot. Useless. Quickly, he said, “Forgive me, I didn’t realize you called yourselves something else. That is the human word, yes. What is your word?”
It does not have a translation in your language. It is more like a feeling… tranquility, harmony, alignment. The chaos of arcane energy in balance. That is what we are.
Internally, Nil groaned - Oh, nice and simple then - but out loud he was much more amenable. “What should I call just you, then?” Belatedly he hoped it was not another mistake to refer to one demon when thousands of others lived in its fur, but the largest demon merely cocked its head in a way that resembled amusement.
I am Liberation. I will make a pact with you. Nil’s shoulders sagged with relief. I will take these memories that plague you once you have sealed our pact by completing my task. The ones you called Populi, they have taken something of ours - we need a Threshold to be opened near them, in the heart of their land, so we may retrieve it.
For a hopeful moment Nil thought Liberation might be joking, but its expression was as serious as ever. He was so close to finally being free of sleepless nights and the weight he carried day after day, and now he was going to be blocked by this impossible task?
“I-I’m human,” he stammered, “not even an exorcist - I can’t open a Threshold, none of us can! The Geminae can hold them open for a while, but they can’t trigger them. Please, give me something I can do, I promise I’ll do it perfectly and -”
Calm. The sound resonated in Nil’s bones, still the same harsh grinding but that somehow carried a feeling of boundless serenity. His heart, which had kicked up a gear again, immediately slowed, and that numb feeling from before seeped into his limbs. One of us will accompany you, both to protect you and to lend their energy to open a Threshold. It is… easier, when we are together, to control the connection between our worlds. Liberation’s head tilted, and Nil watched one of the demons nestled into its ruff wriggle itself free and glide on thin, delicate wings toward him. Its body was about the size of a loaf of bread, doglike with four limbs and large, pointed ears, but its wings were that of a bat and extended triple the length of its body. Like Liberation, a thick black ichor dribbled from between its lips.
Nil was relieved he would not have to carry out the task alone, but walking around a Port with this creature would hardly be inconspicuous. Unsure of the etiquette and terrified to make another mistake, he simply stared at the demon, hoping that it or Liberation would introduce them. It was a long, painfully awkward moment in Nil’s mind, but eventually the doglike demon spread its wings wide and spoke.
I am… Audacity! Nil had expected its voice to be almost painful like Liberation’s, but the new demon sounded like a flock of eager songbirds chirping to one another. The language was still foreign to his ears, and he had assumed it to be flat and toneless, but along with meaning Audacity’s words also carried emotions. As soon as he understood the meaning, Nil was filled with a secondhand delight, and he couldn’t help a reflexive smile.
“Pleasure to meet you Audacity, I’m - ” Nil’s voice cut off abruptly. Gods this is awkward, forgetting my own damn name. “Uh… I’m… I’m…” That surge of delight evaporated instantly, replaced with a creeping dread. “Sorry, just stressed by everything, my mind gets so scattered under pressure, I’m… uh…” Frantic, Nil wracked his mind - My name! Dammit, what’s my name? - but a hollow nothing was all that echoed back.
Wide-eyed, Nil looked back toward Liberation, his sense of dread only growing when it simply shook its head and said Calm again to trigger the wave of lethargy through his body. He didn’t recognize the magic for what it was before, but like the exorcists, clearly demons could use their words to conjure effects in others too.
“I’m not going to be calm, you made me forget my name!” Nil cried with as much force as he could muster before the heavy serenity quelled the adrenaline in his veins. “My name is the first thing I ever had, the only thing that truly belonged to me, something no one could take away!” He felt something cold and wet against his hand, and if he had not just been pumped full of Liberation’s “calm” magic, he would have jumped about six feet in the air. Looking down, he saw Audacity balancing on its hind legs so it could reach up and nuzzle his hand, leaving rivulets of that dark ichor. It gave him a sympathetic look, but as genuine as it seemed, it hardly helped the matter.
There was no other choice. Nil was barely listening, mind struggling to process this new information through the heavy fog of Liberation’s magic. It is not so easy to slip between our realms. Unlike us, humans are tethered to their world, to memory. To allow them to pass through a Threshold, we have to sever the strongest tie they have. For all of us, regardless of realm of origin, the most powerful and most valuable of our possessions is our name. We - Liberation gestured with one huge paw to itself and to the smaller demon at Nil’s side. - are named for the ideal we uphold - I am Liberation, I free those that suffer from what binds them, and I return stolen things to their rightful place. Your partner is Audacity, named for an eager, but reckless courage.
Audacity lifted its head proudly, and Nil felt an unfamiliar rush of complacency. This vicarious experience of emotions was going to take some getting used to, especially when they were a stark contrast to what Nil usually felt.
Liberation continued, Humans do the same in choosing a name. It is the first thing a human learns about you, and whether spoken or written it denotes every one of the millions of things that make you you. It is your strongest tie to your world. It is what I had to take to bring you here, and you must remain without it to return here when your task is completed. It can then be restored in the course of taking your undesired memories.
The initial panic died down under a combination of Liberation’s magic and the assurance that Nil would eventually get his name back, but he still had so many questions: “Do other humans still know my name? What does it mean to not have one? Am I more vulnerable to accidentally slipping through the Threshold? What was my name before? Please, just tell me -” Liberation waved a paw again, dismissive.
No other human’s memory was taken. They will still call you by the name they know, but you will not recognize it as your own. Simply make a note of it until it is restored.
“‘Make a note’?” Nil repeated, unsure the translation in his mind was accurate. “That’s your advice? Please, tell me what my name was so I can at least react when people use it the first time. Not knowing is so much worse.” Liberation said a few words, but before the meaning filtered into Nil’s mind, he heard a rush of twittering birds that he now recognized as Audacity’s voice.
It was ‘Niko’! Nil looked down at the smaller demon, whose big pointed ears now drooped under Liberation’s disapproving gaze. If it is going to be distressing to not know, then you should know! It’s not irrelevant. Audacity looked defiantly up at Liberation before returning its attention to Nil. The recognition that usually came with hearing one’s name was absent; it hardly even sounded like a name, just another mundane word like “chair”. Nil expected an ache, to physically feel that he’d lost something that once held so much significance, but there is only that residual numbness from Liberation’s magic. Feeling nothing was worse than feeling empty - with emptiness at least there was the drive to fill that void, but this… it was aimless. Is this what it will feel like to have my painful memories taken, too?
Regardless. Liberation spoke again, voice much more firm, and were the translations… louder, somehow? That name will not hold any meaning for you anymore. To us and to yourself, you have no name. For beings without names, we have a word for them, but I am not sure what ‘Nil’ translates to in your language. With a sound as chilling as the creak of steel underwater, Liberation lowered its paw to the floor of the forest to allow Nil and Audacity to slide off. It rose to its full height, once again looming far above the inky treetops. Audacity will answer any further questions about your task and guide you back to your world. It was a pleasure to finally meet you, Nil. I will see you again soon.
Before Nil could ask anything more, the huge glowing eyes and the thousands of others in Liberation’s fur blinked closed. With the demon out of sight its magic dissolved from Nil’s body, leaving him shaking with the fear it had been suppressing, and he fell to his knees. His trembling hand brushed against that cold, damp sensation again, but he didn’t pull away. He needed something, anything, even a demon’s attempts at reassurance to ground him.
I’ll begin the ritual to enter your world - it should not take too long. The bright cheep of Audacity’s voice was quieter, effortfully tamping down its enthusiasm in a way it probably thought was comforting. Nil nodded, letting his fingers thread into the long, oily fur at the back of Audacity’s neck. He didn’t know how much time passed, mind too busy replaying everything Liberation had said, but eventually Audacity’s chirping pulled him from his rumination.
Do you really want your old name back so badly?
“Of course!” Nil said immediately. “It’s my name! It’s who I am!”
Is it, though? Nil wasn’t sure how to respond to a question like that, so Audacity continued, If I had to give you a name, an ideal like what us demons have… something that has made you who you are…
“Probably something like ‘fucking up constantly’,” Nil said dryly. Audacity made a sound, and given that Nil’s mind didn’t provide a translation, he figured it must have been the equivalent of a thoughtful hum.
No. Like Liberation said, you’re different from the other humans that came here, even if all of you were so desperate for help that your cries called us. Something else defines you.
“Okay, what name would you give me, then?”
Resilient. Nil’s grip in Audacity’s fur tightened. Was that a compliment? No, why would anyone compliment someone like him? Not ‘Fuck up’, or ‘Pain’, or ‘Alone’. Resilient. That has made you who you are.
It was right, of course, as much as Nil resisted believing it. It was why he was still here, still fighting for the better life he still scarcely believed he deserved. There was a tiny spark, an ember that burned inside him despite the rain that tried to drown it. What might his life be like if he wasn’t “Niko”, a man weighed down and defined by his tragedies? It was impossible to imagine.
“Well, anything is a step above ‘Nil’ as far as I’m concerned. You can call me ‘Resilient’, if you’d like.”
You got it, Resilient!
Like kindling to a flame, Audacity’s words lit something in Nil he couldn’t describe. He felt more confident than he had ever been.
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